That 'special' day

Seumur hidup aku... ini yang pertama... (All my life... this is the first time...)
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that I receive gifts on Valentine's day. No no, they were not from admirers. It's from friends who give gifts to all their friends, treating the day like Friendship Day. Really, it's my first time getting gifts on this supposed day of love. Guys don't give gifts to other guys... it's just wrong. Yet another social construct. I got Rocher from Michelle, muffin from Sarah, chocolate from Khairi and my all-time-favourite: brownie from Nani. Thanks to everyone!

On the Tuesday before Valentine's Day, NUS MS had the Intelligentsia Discussion on "Gender Relations". Aptly titled and timed, in my opinion. Had some interesting points that were raised. Learnt about Nikah Gantung which is a Malay adaptation to Nikah Mithiar (unsure of spelling). There were many questions raised but not many answers were given. So, I came out abit disappointed from the discussion.

The question that most interest me was:
Is nikah gantung a good alternative to address the issue of dating?
So here's my take on it. Somehow I get a feeling I may be flamed for this. Nikah gantung works like this: The man and woman undergo nikah or the solemnisation of marriage while both families agree that the man need not give nafkah to the wife and that he can be away from his wife. Both of these actions can result in talak so this agreement prevents that. So this makes the man and woman officially husband and wife but they live in separate homes. Dating will be halal cos they already nikah. And when the time comes when the man can support himself and his wife, the agreement can be changed and he will be a 'true' husband: fulfilling all his roles.

Sounds nice and dandy isn't it? The reason why we are even considering nikah gantung is because we want to be able to choose our life partner. We want to get to know the person better before making the decision to marry him/her. This usually involves dating; which is strongly debated to be haram cos it may lead to zina. Yes, we cannot generalise that all relationships lead to that but take it as a safety precaution. Like the facilitator pointed out, we all want to be the best Muslim that we can be. We want to act within our religion to the best of our ability and not get kemungkaran Allah. That's why we are having this discussion in the first place. To be a better Muslim. So isn't it good that a couple nikah gantung so that they can date without worrying?

But... what if things don't work out? Are they gonna divorce? Yes sadly, that can be the result. Let's face it, we've seen relationships break up after 4 years or 2 years or even 6 months. Moreover, even married couples can divorce in those same time scales. So what, a couple that nikah gantung and finds that the person isn't the one is just gonna divorce? Sesungguhnya antara benda yang halal tetapi Allah tidak suka ialah talak. So are we gonna let people nikah gantung, divorce, nikah gantung again with another person, divorce and nikah gantung again until they find the right one? I may be exaggerating but this can be a reality. There are people with many ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends. Divorce will then be taken lightly or worse, the nikah is taken lightly. If it is just so that the couple can go out on dates and hold hands, then it's not worth it in my opnion.

Ultimately, the couple that wants to nikah, be it gantung or not, has to be ready to be committed to each other. I quote from somewhere, "In a relationship, commitment means to stay true to the person even though a better person might come along." So is the couple ready to make this kind of commitment? If so, by all means. As much as we want to avoid zina, we must avoid talak and divorce too. And there can be other ways to get to know a person without dating. So far, I can only think of MSN. You can get to know a person through online conversations, really. Of course, you won't know how the person behaves outside and how he/she treats others if you don't see the person, but hey, it's a start. And I heard it's possible to have a relationship without dating: talk online or phone, share thoughts and problems, send gifts via snail-mail. Or, you can date with that person and you bring someone along, like your siblings or parents. That'll be cool.

In sum, nikah gantung is only a good choice if the couple is mature and ready to commit to each other. In all that you do, let your conscience guide you. Cos the ability to tell right from wrong is inherent. And you get dosa only if you know that's it's wrong, but you still do it. That's why those who do things unknowingly are pardoned. So if you are 'was-was' or unsettled as to whether it is right or wrong, leave it. Better to be on the safe side.

Well these are just my thoughts. Not preaching and not criticising, just writing my thoughts. I apologise for any mistakes. I am only human and Allah is Most Knowing. Wallah Wa'alam.